How far and how long a person can go to suffice oneself?
At times you lose the track of time.. lose the direction you are heading.. lose the very intention of the journey.. lose all that you ever had.. passion, charm, inward happiness. You feel you are in depths of despair and there is no way out- all you see is darkness, darkness and more darkness.. or probable "light"- which you (mis)interpret as darkness!! You wake up, go thru your day's routine - as it has turned out to be a ritual, something which has to be followed 'coz it had been followed from long, you have no clue if there is any other choice in it- but what you are sure of is that you have completely lost your peace.. that little peace of mind which kept you sane!!
You get hungry, but the best food, your favourite cuisine wouldn't do, but you want to indulge in 'something' which will help you lose your conscious. You stare into him in the day again, as the night falls, you stare at yourself again and again ask a zillion questions in silence but get no answers and your questions, doubts just get more complex and complicated. You know, and very well realize that it isn't 'YOU' but some kinda creepy soul sitting in you making you go thru the situation. You wonder if this is gonna last forever if not how long? You have no energy left in you to wait more, it seems to you that everything is sucked off!!
It is all that you ever wanted, you have achieved it thru sheer guts and determination but all of a sudden now everything seems to be shattering, you hate to see those dreams getting drained for no particular reason, you try still cant figure out how this could happen, what made you deserve all this. You don't enjoy the weather though it is the best the region can give you in the whole year, you are so taken that you cant relish anything beautiful. You completely managed to forget how tiny small things brought so much joy and bliss. But somehow you haven't stopped crying when watching MOVIES.. just the reason isn't same as before. Now in a good passionate scene- you cry as you feel this wouldn't happen with you, and in a sad/emotional scene you cry 'coz this might very well happen to you just in a pathetic way not shown on the screen.
You seem to drive away the solitude to be left with nothing but utter depression of some kind so unique. world seems more prejudice than ever, you aren't sure if you are angry on yourself or else. You wonder if it took so many years to lose all the faith you have acquired in years or is this your 'KARMA', as some ppl call it - is this ever going to lead in some path you thought you would be led to some day.
One (not so) fine night you realize your thoughts have turned suicidal, and are desperately awaiting for deeds to follow the same, Not that you don't have a history on this.. still you hope some follow up happens..
How far can you go to suffice yourself now?
That was rough.... Thing to do now is try and forget it.... I guess I don't quite mean that. It's not a thing you can forget. Maybe not even a thing you want to forget.... Life's like that sometimes... Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just haul off and knock him flat, slam him agin' the ground so hard it seems like all his insides is busted. But it's not all like that. A lot of it's mighty fine, and you can't afford to waste the good part frettin' about the bad. That makes it all bad.... Sure, I know - sayin' it's one thing and feelin' it's another. But I'll tell you a trick that's sometimes a big help. When you start lookin' around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it.
~From the movie Old Yeller
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