Joys of Growing up..

No, you are not at blame, blame it on those movies which are super
flawless from costumes to lifestyle to dialogues to romance to
love.. from the start till the end.. or authors who narrate each
and every sequence so perfectly like they were
Godsend..imagination sees no boundaries.. sky is the limit.. na..
galaxy is the limit.. this impacts big time on self, that quite
often you tend to reach that 'ecstatic' moment..reaching all the
way up...you are so gliding in those thoughts.. in that world..then
suddenly you realize - it isn't REAL!!

What would you want to do?
Reach the edge and Jump off that (elated)cliff? Feel insure of who
you are what you are how you are? You wish to be someone else
though you are immensely obsessed with yourself?

(Flashback: As a little girl you always had a mind of your own,
built a beautiful Barbie world within and around.. with your girl pals,
sharing, giggling, laughing till the rooftop, happy with tiny
sighs, gestures, couldn't help getting that 'Butterfly' effect in
the stomach at the very sight of any Tom, Dick and Harry but with
little tint of cuteness who walked by.. dreams with more
dreams..girly ambitions..you know you were just too perfect.. were
too good and could get what so ever you wished for.. but you knew
you had to grow up..and you just couldn't wait to grow up)

Now, you know the REAL life is intense.. it is more complicated
unlike movies or books..Truth by its virtue comes up.. sooner or
later.. as cruel as it is.. it prevails over the rest.

Not that any of those dreams (from the 'Flashback') never came
true, probably everything.. (well, almost everything) did come
true, but issue was in holding it back.. holding it enough not to
let go.. because there was another LIFE calling you, life which
needed you to get growing..You reckon, this will always be there.
So you drift a little got 'BUSY'.. busy - hoarding knowledge,
pushing people, graduating, post graduating, making money, making
lot of money,making a family, settling down, relocating from one
corner of the world to far end, making investments for life and
after.. getting restless..

Yes restless.. you cant stop those emotions bursting out like a
chain of firecrackers, thoughts turning you upside down, you sit
and wonder what on earth has gone wrong.. you think, think till the
night falls, till the first rays of sun beams at you.. then
randomly with out asserting, you look back..

You see.. the days, months.. years which just passed you by..when you were maddened being 'BUSY' crazy to compete with the more crazier world..your drifting a 'Little' towards this materialistic sense has surpassed your tweeny weeny yet perfect 'FANTASY' world!! Phew!!

... these are what I believe are..joys of growing up!!!!

Just random..

I wonder.. anything and everything can amuse "Homo sapiens" these days.. was loitering around on blogs.. and found this on a crazy gal's blog.. taxonomically I belonging to the same category ("Homo Sapiens" and not exactly craZy) was amused.. amused enough to watch the whole video on youtube.. here are the lyrics.. no not that I liked Robyn, not that I like these lyrics or the sound of the song.. not that it has anything to do with me.. just like that..

Robyn - Don't F***ing Tell Me What To Do

My drinking is killing me
My smoking is killing me
My diet's killing me
My heels are killing me
My shopping's killing me

My ego is killing me
Can't sleep, it's killing me
My label's killing me
Kick drum...

My phone is killing me
My email is killing me
These hours are killing me
My tour is killing me

This flight is killing me
My manager's killing me
My mother's killing me
My landlord's killing me

My boss is killing me
The TV is killing me
Your nagging is killing me
My boyfriend is killing me

My talking's killing me
Killing me
K-k-killing me

Can't sleep, it's killing me
My dreams are killing me
The TV is killing me
My talking's killing me

Let go, you're killing me
Ease up, you're killing me
Calm down, you're killing me
My god, you're killing me

K-k-killing me

My drinking is killing me
My smoking is killing me
My head is killing me
My mind is killing me

My back is killing me
My neck is killing me
Your nagging is killing me
My gut is killing me

My PMS is killing me
My email is killing me
These hours are killing me
My tour is killing me

Don't f***ing tell me what to do, do!
Don't f***ing tell me what to do, do, do, do, do!
Don't f***ing tell me what to do!

Contentment...

How far and how long a person can go to suffice oneself?

At times you lose the track of time.. lose the direction you are heading.. lose the very intention of the journey.. lose all that you ever had.. passion, charm, inward happiness. You feel you are in depths of despair and there is no way out- all you see is darkness, darkness and more darkness.. or probable "light"- which you (mis)interpret as darkness!! You wake up, go thru your day's routine - as it has turned out to be a ritual, something which has to be followed 'coz it had been followed from long, you have no clue if there is any other choice in it- but what you are sure of is that you have completely lost your peace.. that little peace of mind which kept you sane!!

You get hungry, but the best food, your favourite cuisine wouldn't do, but you want to indulge in 'something' which will help you lose your conscious. You stare into him in the day again, as the night falls, you stare at yourself again and again ask a zillion questions in silence but get no answers and your questions, doubts just get more complex and complicated. You know, and very well realize that it isn't 'YOU' but some kinda creepy soul sitting in you making you go thru the situation. You wonder if this is gonna last forever if not how long? You have no energy left in you to wait more, it seems to you that everything is sucked off!!

It is all that you ever wanted, you have achieved it thru sheer guts and determination but all of a sudden now everything seems to be shattering, you hate to see those dreams getting drained for no particular reason, you try still cant figure out how this could happen, what made you deserve all this. You don't enjoy the weather though it is the best the region can give you in the whole year, you are so taken that you cant relish anything beautiful. You completely managed to forget how tiny small things brought so much joy and bliss. But somehow you haven't stopped crying when watching MOVIES.. just the reason isn't same as before. Now in a good passionate scene- you cry as you feel this wouldn't happen with you, and in a sad/emotional scene you cry 'coz this might very well happen to you just in a pathetic way not shown on the screen.

You seem to drive away the solitude to be left with nothing but utter depression of some kind so unique. world seems more prejudice than ever, you aren't sure if you are angry on yourself or else. You wonder if it took so many years to lose all the faith you have acquired in years or is this your 'KARMA', as some ppl call it - is this ever going to lead in some path you thought you would be led to some day.

One (not so) fine night you realize your thoughts have turned suicidal, and are desperately awaiting for deeds to follow the same, Not that you don't have a history on this.. still you hope some follow up happens..

How far can you go to suffice yourself now?

That was rough.... Thing to do now is try and forget it.... I guess I don't quite mean that. It's not a thing you can forget. Maybe not even a thing you want to forget.... Life's like that sometimes... Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just haul off and knock him flat, slam him agin' the ground so hard it seems like all his insides is busted. But it's not all like that. A lot of it's mighty fine, and you can't afford to waste the good part frettin' about the bad. That makes it all bad.... Sure, I know - sayin' it's one thing and feelin' it's another. But I'll tell you a trick that's sometimes a big help. When you start lookin' around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it.
~From the movie Old Yeller

10 items or Less

Yes inspired by this movie "10 items or Less"which was on TV like a zillion times- Never got to watch completely, last time I squeezed 'MY' time to grab the largest part of it [- my all time high ;) ] that to amidst this IPL season.. arrgghh I hate that TV screen when cricket is being played and Bikz gluing to it like.. 24/7 lazily on that damn uncomfortable new freakin expensive couch we bought from @Home!!!

Alright coming back to what I was aiming at- 10 Things I Hate (At the moment I mean, leaving the past to glorify and future to Shine to eternity)

1. The sound of cloths being washed, rather say trashed- Phat phat phat.. in our neighbouring building, can hear it thru that BIG window right from my bed. This saga begins as early as 6ish every morning goes on till I am all awake and lost in daily routine

2. Those fights I have with Bikz. Not that it wasn't there before but now it really gets on my nerves. It makes the whole living miserable for him and for me too

3. Joys of shifting to Bangalore- I know it thru my heart & mind that Bikz is not happy with his current domain. He was a * performer with AVAYA, unfortunately he had to switch with the offer he got here and somehow it makes him sad & wane. In turn I feel responsible for all this and am praying things would go his way sooner. It was too much of emotional turmoil during last days of this work there, and I have been thru a very little on his last day. I couldn't stop my tears all night, and cant imagine how he felt!! He would never let these things out :( ^%&^&^%^%$^!! Definitely it isn't an easiest task but we are hopeful, am indeed very +ve it is gonna be good in near future. Amen!!

4. Long hours standing in a crowded Volvo in the peak hours of traffic. OHO(Office Home Office) schedule, though I stay only 7-8Kms away. Thanks to all the DEVELOPMENT work taken up by BDA(Bangalore Development Authority) Flyovers, bridges.. what so ever it is. This includes honking/pollution/alarming no. of vehicles clogging the roads in scorching sun/pouring rain.. indeed all the time

5. Noise pollution- No,not in the context I mentioned above. This is @work in this lab where I sit and work. People manage spanning their topics from everyday food taken to politics to cricket to cars..to hikes and what not under this deep blue sky. I find them to be a bunch or morons blabbering their mouths on top of their voice for NOTHING.. absolutely nothing!! I hate it

6. Limitation- due to mobility! I don't have a vehicle of my own, neither do I know how to ride/drive any vehicle. This limits me from going for Yoga/meditation/Buddhist center, limits me from going places to get what I want to when I am really in need. All my work has been due from days, weeks and months now. This is in my hands- I know will join a driving school and we are gonna get a vehicle soon. Hoping it is gonna be real soooooooooooooooooon.

7. Time management- I royally suck at it!! Minimum exercise I wish to do, hours at work, cooking, sleeping, penning down few lines in my diary, arranging stuff at home.. Na nothing is same as 1 day. Grrrr - again this is in my hands. So going into my to-do list

8. My bloody stomach cramps (Yea some 'Lucky' gals are blessed with this #$%$%^$^) - Not sure how this 1 came down the list. Yes some ailment I have been facing right from 7th std which I could never get rid off. I have this ache which come like tsunami tearing me up both physically and mentally. This is the only 3days every time I question GOD and am biased about gender!! Can hardly sit/stand/sleep nor can do nothing about it with all the mood swings. when ever it wishes say in 18 days, 22 days unpredictable!! Have consulted enough docs, took up scanning. Sis says this ain't enough, yes would jump to Ayurveda in few days. O god please help me with this as it is so not in my hands, legs, head or heart

9. Keeping in touch- Yes this is another thing where I S**K again. I hate it. All my loved ones whom I care, whom I don't really care- May it be very close friends, relatives, family members-- My apologies.I am NOT, not at all good at this, I lose touch with ppl for no reason, thanks to their reckoning effort that I still have some friends. To those in Pune(a, g, h, k, n, v, t, .......z), Mumbai [Jyoti :(] across states, across countries, in Bangalore - Love you all.

Yes I shall keep up with the title as respect the movie and stop here before writing other stories/making other excuses, you know I can go on and on and on..

Hate less, live longer. ~Terri Guillemets