Wednesday, December 14, 2016

The Magic of Dreams.. and beyond

Make a wish.
Break a rule.
Take a chance.

My ♥ Kurt Cobain - w. the "Sense of  non-belonging"
Dreams, oh dreams!! what is life without these dreams? Some sub-conscious, rest conscious ones. Both are incredible, to experience a dream is to taste a piece of heaven.
Each one of us has dreamt/dream/will dream on, I am sorry for those who are so lost in the realm of everyday “routine” that they forget to have any awareness to it. Nevertheless, it always exists, even there are some researchers who have proved that pets, indeed all mammals who have a brain activity close to Humans, dream their dreams.
Now I think, how about plants? Those macro/micro-organisms? Singled celled Amoeba?  I haven’t Googled, but I would continue to think, what I think :)


Oxford dictionary defines the noun as “A series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep.” And as a verb “Contemplate the possibility of doing something or that something might be the case.
That summons, that all Goals, ambitions, targets, destinations, intentions are all dreams. Each one of us had these right from the childhood, and of course I had in abundance.
I dreamt of becoming an archaeologist (-inspired by “relic hunter”), an air-hostess (-to fly and go places, all around the globe), a doctor (-back then, that was a big deal, all parents/grandparents wished for their consecutive generations),
Joining Navy (-to show my patriotism, to the motherland ;)), MTV VJ (- nothing to say here. haha), hosting a travel show on one of the most famous travel channels (-for my love of traveling, experience cultures)
Writing an inspirational book (- to sparkle my creative side) and many many many more.

Being this conscious, spiritual beings of our time, pulled towards
“Pratyahara” (withdrawal from the senses, to dive inward - One of the 8 sutras)
“Vairagya” (dispassion/detachment/renunciation)
“Samadhi” (- The union with the divine, the ultimate limb, in Patajali’s Ashtanga yoga sutra),
“Nirvana” (- also known as “Moksha” - a transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self. Release from the effects of karma, the cycle of death/rebirth)

The Sacred Himalayas

I had this profound sense of non-belonging, I would easily connect to each and every story/person whose life resonates with this feeling of “separation” or as I called it, a parallel Universe – Was that themaya ” (- Sanskrit word for illusion of this material world) There was absolutely no room of  “Raga” (-passion/attachment) Though every soul is as passionate as it always is, and we train our minds to the whims and fancies of these dreams, Thus paving the way ahead.


As days, weeks, months and years, decades, go by, lots of changes with growing up, as with the time/space and in my thinking, but there was one dream I always dreamt of in terms of the above, and that never changed. At all stages, in all circumstances, I always knew, that is THE DREAM I will peruse. Everything I did, everybody I met, every decision I ever made was to envisage this BIG dream of mine into reality.
Then at an unassuming juncture of my being, I experience an enchanting spring, it takes a few months for me to comprehend all the maya and BAM! As I know it, my world is upside down!
It caused me the unimaginable catastrophe I’ve ever experienced, the mayhem in my head- Should I call it a calamity? An adversity? Or was I vulnerable and with the awareness to it? All of the above and a lot more. I was a complete *******!!
I didn’t know who to assimilate what was happening, what had happened, and what may.

One elevated night, Sheer Magic – my transition from agony to bliss. That is the moment I am so grateful for and to all the people/incidents leading me to it, YES,
All I had to do was to accept – DREAMS CHANGE!!

“Let your dreams change your reality;
Don’t let your reality change your dreams”
-                                    ~ Jordan Rose

“The Dream” – the very dream I had, right from my childhood, had changed forever, till eternity and beyond!! It is like all my life I had apples, and dreamt of making a magnificent apple orchard, I had directed my energy into it,  
Gathered required information and was all set, very well - determined, then 1 day after years, for the first time in season (spring), I taste a mango, by chance. The taste, the texture, the sweetness as I bite into it, taste buds burst in deliciousness, it flows through the tongue, into my throat filling up all my senses, all the way making its place in my tummy – before I knew it – into my heart (- or did I always know this is how it supposed to feel?). Now, how the hell will I still go with an Apple orchard, when mango tastes like a piece of paradise? It is to convince myself, nobody and nothing else - Had to get over self-denial, and utter resistance. If something tastes so divine and aligns you with the Universe, just go for it.
I let go of a million things, un-learn a zillion things, then arrived to my ever so beautiful joyous being!!
I BELONG!! I am not only ALIVE but AWAKE.


Even Horizon is not the limit - Gorgeous sunset, Pacific Ocean, San Diego


“We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness”
-                     ~ Thich Nhat Hanh



Not that I hadn’t read about this before, or some close people tried to talk me out of it, I just shrugged my shoulders, nothing really matters until it actually hits the right chord, in that right moment!!
It has not been long since I realized this and a whole lot - how prodigiously mind-blowing this journey has been, and now with the UNIVERSAL ONENESS, infused deep inside each cell, I feel exalted each living moment!
For all the infinite possibilities, “Wow!” – I say to myself.





“The only thing which stands between you and your beautiful changed dream is YOU”
         ~ykw

ps:
Lovely Universe,
I am all #in.
I am game baby!
-                         ~Beloved Dreamer

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Joy

Joy.
Happiness.
Contentment.

I have felt all these and am continuing to feel it in my heart, mind and soul. Of course, there are times, days, weeks, months and years in a row I haven’t even had the whiff of these,
But so very very very delighted that my true awareness recognizes this in every walk of this shiny life.
It is my best effort to come up with a list, as far as my consciousness can remember – the most joyous, blissful moments so far.
This is just a tip of an ice berg, the rest will just follow like that savvy sway of an enchanting spring

With no particular order of any time-frame/intensity/volume/length-breadth/chronology, here it is

1.       That morning sunshine, shining right into my little brown eyes as I opened the doors to the dawn – The Himalayas
The sacredness at its peak: @Dharamkot, Himachal Pradesh, Spring of 2015
-       Realization of my childhood dream to become one to feel the #oneness: single entity in that space. I am so grateful of everything and everyone who lead me to it.
-       To have experienced what I have and will, is hard-earned and worth every single second of my wait-time.
-       It is a constant call and I know like I know like I know what is that call for J

2.       24 minutes in the twilight zone: Spring of 2016, San Diego
-       I watch the movies and life can be one of the most beautiful movies we’ve watched, only if we want it to be.
-       Truly and wholly, the most auspicious and dreamy 24m of my life – Birds chirping, plentiful sunshine around, shade of an humble tree, music.
-       I was exalted, over-blown, yet felt as modest I could ever be and as coy as I always am.
-       Was splendidly spirited, drove my new car on the left-most lane for the first time in the country of USA
(Sure, was a BIG Deal for me, then! Well, now, that is the only lane I drive in :))

3.       Dil Toh pagal Hai – Movie narration to my bestest friend, Arshu : Back home, Diwali 1997
-       It was an enumeration from the fairy-tale world from inside to the outside, or should I say vice-versa? ;)
-       We could talk about it all day, all night scene after the scene, dialogue after the dialogue from the beginning to the end, then repeat, and go on for days
-       Shahrukh Khan, my all-time favorite, Bollywood actor.. err.. a phenomena (Yea, he truly was and is!) was a gateway into the romantic life as we transitioned into our adolescence.
-       Butterflies in the stomach fluttering all the way to the clear blue skies with the sight of any Tom, Dick and Harry combined with raging hormones – wow! It was the perfect beginning,
and then that all we needed to get excited about, of course a million new-old developments later build on top :)
-       Just a look, just a word, just a smile from him- we slip into our day dreams, dreams all night, fantasies, we made stories around it, building castles in the air, from 6th Grade through 12th, thru …
And that would never end. What are we without our dreams? Just a blob of flesh configured to work like machines to merely exist in this world? No freaking way! We are what we think and what we dream.

4.       Gokarna Beach – Summer of 2007
-       Being close to nature in a certain way enhances the inwardness, almost euphoric like you just can’t get enough of it. Much like , how much is enough ??
-       Gokarna- In southern part of India, is secluded from the much hype of the coastal line, these beaches are lined up in solitary – Om beach -> Kudlu Beach -> Half Moon beach -> Paradise beach,
Wow, to participate in the beauty of nature and love w. stars, sea, sand, breeze, waves, people, was like a hallucination!
-       Incredible India with its ever-changing cultural diversity, feel so blessed to be born and brought up in her lap

5.       Krishna – Fall of 1995ish
-       Janmastami- his birthday at home with Supreme God, a friend, a guide, a lover and a lil more
-       May be unconventional, sure, different people view God/higher self/Universe/Almighty/The Lord in their unique ways, and there is absolutely no right or wrong way to it
-       I thoroughly felt so ALIVE and I always will – The actual take, take#1, retake and a million others to follow

6.    Rajasthan – Fall 2014
-       The taxi ride to Jodhpur, it was one of the most joyous car rides I have ever taken.
-       Rajasthan- The very name means “The abode of the Rajas – Land of the kings” As excited I was for this trip, alluring vibrant colors women/men wear, fancy traditional attire, the palaces, the breath-taking architecture, folk music –those instruments, songs people wearing big smiles all around living in the very moment, each city/town/village with unfolding unique stories, guides guiding thru – right there, me slipping back into the era of Rajputs, resting my head on the car window on the back seat- all this as we rode thru the dawn, in sun, rain, sunset till dusk.
-       How I imagined me living there, perhaps some lifetime :)

7.    Yoga – So many of them, hard to “date” it!
-       August Yoga, back in Bangalore with Jeevitha and Arooshi – beginning of self-discovery and the whole new awareness
-       Sejal – Blr, With whom I began the  actual  journey with
-       Andre – SD, The Love master, with his whole self, had heard about him a lot, at last made it to hillcrest after a glass of cocktail with girl pals,
I couldn’t stop smiling, the joy, the bliss, the LOVE, I hugged him while surrendering to the Universe in pigeon pose, and traced my way back. He kisses my hand and we give BIG hugs after.
-       The intentions we set, and the people I Yoga with always, always, so special, each time and in every class. Absolute oneness with the self and the moment.

8.    Stars – The first star of the nightfall : Each beautiful night
-       Again, I can’t comprehend to the most happiest I felt – ‘coz it is an ongoing process.
-       Each and every night, as I look up  to the skies,  I long to see this * the spearhead paving the gateway to infinite dreams in both wake and sleep states
-       It never gets old, but just like new love, always exciting always and forever ;)


Yay! These are just off the top of my head, many many many more
-       The 1st bite of my lifetime into a luscious litchi fruit, seeing somebody eat Indian desserts with so much avidity which actually makes me eat the person – food-porn,
-       People tantalizing with oh-so-happy words span together to tell a perfect story – word-porn
-       Feeling the little mangoes for the first time
-       Watching someone Yoga with passion and so much joy – takes me so high in every possible way
-       Clubbing with the girls with 30ml of wine in my tummy
-       Dunk into the pool, into the ocean – which I never never never thought is possible
-       Parking a truck in the middle of the night under the stars right there on the road, as we pay taxes to the government
-    Navratri - dancing for Krishna inside the temple, sheer love and happiness
-       Feeling victorious in the day, at night, anywhere and everywhere
-       Bliss followed after an amazing session of reiki, meditation, sound healing
-       Strangers complimenting out of nowhere for exactly what you are
… and a million.. I know of and millions.. and millions I am yet to know, I truly feel it and it is/will eternally live inside of my each cell.



Bliss!













































Thank you Universe.
You are beautiful.
You are Joy!

Saturday, November 5, 2016

As auspicious as it gets : Labyrinth Yoga -2

I run into this magnificent Grace Cathedral



Event has started


I am already feeling ecstatic for making it through the open doors. In the waiting area, I see Darren guiding the huge class with few 100s of people on their mats. A note “Gates will be reopened, after the meditation” I sigh out, Aaaaah! I see a bunch of late-comers, well, I am not the only one on IST in America, Aaaaah :)
 Let’s all take a deep breath in and while we breath out, chant AUM, I just sit in the waiting area on the floor and AUM in synonym, Vibrations linger on, while I am still sitting with closed eyes, gates reopen, I go find a spot, looked around to find a restroom, wondering if there are restrooms in cathedrals? If yes, where? At the entrance or the opposite corner? I couldn’t find none. Yoga started – Started with Child’s pose. Deep breath In and Out, I had to put all my energy on breath and not to focus on my bladder :)  I did good.

I smile all throughout the class, Asanas – 1 after the other, Darren has such a deep voice, which instantly grounds you and makes you connected to the moment.
Yet another beautiful  theme – “Learning to Dance with the Limp” he goes on quotes Anne Lamot

You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.

He said keep somebody in your thoughts, remember them, people who have crossed-over, people who are with us, near or far off. I did, I absolutely did,
It was as if we were Yoga’ing together in bliss. I couldn’t stop smiling, there is this band playing live music, Darren walks around the whole (yoga) matted area, many volunteer teachers moving around while they help students dive a little more, inside the auspicious temple. So many warrior ones, I love all warriors, Warrior 1 is not deemed as one of the best poses, at this place where I practice every day, But I enjoy the pose, the more uncomfortable I feel, the better I get at it, the next time. Then extended side angle, I tick-tock my arms to a 12 and 6 position, my gaze shoots beyond the tips of my fingers, upon the ceiling, to the mighty architecture, dim lights, the light beaming right into my eyes and further. Gentle flow, it is all levels yoga, so doesn’t matter if you are a 1st time practitioner, or an advanced teacher, everyone gets a piece of the pie, and feels just right. Then Camel Pose, again the highest no. of times I have done this in a single class- 3 repetitions, it is a deep bend and heart opener, I love it, sometimes brings out the strong feelings on to the surface.

Bliss.
Peace.
Joy.
Curiosity.
Divinity and more than all, the
Sense of belonging.

I am so #in, all in. Now in savasana, Darren says, “Ancient India brought Yoga to us, and this pose means the corpse pose, we need to practice it, and can be most challenging,
There will be one last time we do this with perfection” I chuckle lying as a sava (corpse), some others do. He is soft spoken, can feel the compassion in his very words. I wonder how it is to guide this amazing class, week after week, where a few 100s make their way to experience this historic event – all by donation. Wow!! World is such a beautiful place to live in. We are guided out of savasana, Aums, Namaste, announced some upcoming events and people disperse. I sit and smile a little bit more. Get around to fill my naked eyes with the exuberance, snap a couple of pictures and on the way out 20$ bill: 10$ for me and 10$ for this incredible person who led me to it.

A deep breath in
kiss the note
wish a wish
Breath out

-       “May the Yoga Bliss be spread all around the world and beyond” 

Drop it in the donation box and run to the find a restroom :)    






PS: Yes! Cathedrals do have restrooms, ooh, Thank God for that.

PSS: I booked the cab, yet another amazing cabbie -  Timothy, had a great conversation.
It was hard for him to believe somebody comes to the city just to do Yoga :)
Life is at its best when you seek your passion!!
He drops me off to my car with “You drive safe girl” and I did drive back to reach San Jose, where I live!

PSSS: Did I lose someone, I cannot live without? Did my lovely heart break?
NO F Way. I am so in love and my lovely heart is so open to receive all the abundance Universe is giving me ♥

As auspicious as it gets : Labyrinth Yoga -1

It is a little after noon, 12ish fiddling around with thoughts a few conscious ones, rest sub-conscious, browsing anything and everything to fill me up,
While awaiting some news about work- brilliant idea strikes. It is the same thought with which I had jumped out of the bed in the morning – “Want to feel ALIVE, instead of just existing” I check a specific email from this very specific person, to get the details – Go through the website and bam, it is Tuesday! Yes! It is a weekly yoga event happens from 6.15-7.30 PM, I have been told and heard volumes about this class.  

"Oh-So-Perfect" - I tell myself, Thank the Universe, and plan (well, I am learning!) I have to leave early It is a drive 1.15 hr w/o traffic and w traffic would double the time and more.              
Big City- San Francisco, have only been there once with a friend driving me to the airport to pick somebody up. Now it is in-front of me to go and explore. Wow, so excited.
Yet, some hesitation, should I? could I? may be later? May be w some company while I drive into the unknown. 

Coming from a society where we are thoroughly pampered every possible way, elders/friends/family are so protective of their girls that we have always been driven around, picked up dropped off, they wait on us even it runs hours at times, well we have always been so taken-care of. It is great, but experiencing the opposite of us is what I have thrived for, and I am still. It is a process. Hence I was amidst my heart and mind again. I have a trick – to get out of this, when I know like I know like I do, then I surely go for it, but when I don’t, I simply toss a coin. I learn it in my childhood, may sound silly to many but I just love it, it is a quicker solution which stuck with something. I did, and it is tails
                       
I take my salad, wear a BIG FAT smile and I jam. I drive with the instructions of GPS, to this music filling all my senses thru Spotify – Life has been so fantastic from the time I invited this car into my life. It started me off on a journey I’ve always wanted to be on – Freedom :) Independence like I knew of it never before, but wanted it all throughout. It is so great. The plan was to drive to this Yoga place in Fremont, I am a member of, at 3 PM, Then get fresh to get out at 4.30 PM,  just walk as the event was just 1.2 miles from Yoga place. Avoiding the need to drive at the peak hour and moreover parking. I left my office in Santa Clara at 1.43 PM, but didn’t realize I would be so stuck just as I entered SFO. I made it to Yoga place 3.02 PM, but parking? God, it looked like a downtown area, I drove around, got honked at, like 8 times then found a spot, yay! Ate some more salad, took my mat, bottle and walked to the yoga place.

It was 3.30ish, thanks to all the buffer time I had, I know me well :) Amazing class by Melissa, began at 4 PM, advanced but focus was so much on breath, letting the breath guide you to the asana, felt so incredible as I Namaste’d, in the end. I change from yoga clothes to another, get fresh and head towards my car, 5 min walk, and booked a cab. TRAFFIC, reminded me of my hometown – Bangalore, it has been a while since I saw something like that. Cab driver couldn’t get me, so after waiting for 15m, canceled. Booked another one, time is ticking, absolutely no time to walk, it would take 22m, accordingly to Google maps for me to reach by walk. I had to reach there at least by 5.45  PM, and it was 5.45 PM :) I call this new cab driver, guide him, or misguide him, w my great sense of direction, he finally gets me, I thank him, for driving like crazy only w his heightened positive attitude I could reach – He said I WILL reach and I SO WANTED TO (“ … And when you really want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it”, I love this, use it in my signature, I love Paulo Cuelho, I love The Alchemist) At 6.16PM, I give Abdul, the cabbie the biggest hug and run with my(ur) mat.




Sunday, November 14, 2010

Joys of Growing up..


No, you are not at blame, blame it on those movies which are super
flawless from costumes to lifestyle to dialogues to romance to
love.. from the start till the end.. or authors who narrate each
and every sequence so perfectly like they were
Godsend..imagination sees no boundaries.. sky is the limit.. na..
galaxy is the limit.. this impacts big time on self, that quite
often you tend to reach that 'ecstatic' moment..reaching all the
way up...you are so gliding in those thoughts.. in that world..then
suddenly you realize - it isn't REAL!!
What would you want to do?
Reach the edge and Jump off that (elated)cliff? Feel insure of who
you are what you are how you are? You wish to be someone else
though you are immensely obsessed with yourself?

(Flashback: As a little girl you always had a mind of your own,
built a beautiful Barbie world within and around.. with your girl pals,
sharing, giggling, laughing till the rooftop, happy with tiny
sighs, gestures, couldn't help getting that 'Butterfly' effect in
the stomach at the very sight of any Tom, Dick and Harry but with
little tint of cuteness who walked by.. dreams with more
dreams..girly ambitions..you know you were just too perfect.. were
too good and could get what so ever you wished for.. but you knew
you had to grow up..and you just couldn't wait to grow up)

Now, you know the REAL life is intense.. it is more complicated
unlike movies or books..Truth by its virtue comes up.. sooner or
later.. as cruel as it is.. it prevails over the rest.

Not that any of those dreams (from the 'Flashback') never came
true, probably everything.. (well, almost everything) did come
true, but issue was in holding it back.. holding it enough not to
let go.. because there was another LIFE calling you, life which
needed you to get growing..You reckon, this will always be there.
So you drift a little got 'BUSY'.. busy - hoarding knowledge,
pushing people, graduating, post graduating, making money, making
lot of money,making a family, settling down, relocating from one
corner of the world to far end, making investments for life and
after.. getting restless..

Yes restless.. you cant stop those emotions bursting out like a
chain of firecrackers, thoughts turning you upside down, you sit
and wonder what on earth has gone wrong.. you think, think till the
night falls, till the first rays of sun beams at you.. then
randomly with out asserting, you look back..

You see.. the days, months.. years which just passed you by..when you were maddened being 'BUSY' crazy to compete with the more crazier world..your drifting a 'Little' towards this materialistic sense has surpassed your tweeny weeny yet perfect 'FANTASY' world!! Phew!!
... these are what I believe are..joys of growing up!!!!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Just random..

I wonder.. anything and everything can amuse "Homo sapiens" these days.. was loitering around on blogs.. and found this on a crazy gal's blog.. taxonomically I belonging to the same category ("Homo Sapiens" and not exactly craZy) was amused.. amused enough to watch the whole video on youtube.. here are the lyrics.. no not that I liked Robyn, not that I like these lyrics or the sound of the song.. not that it has anything to do with me.. just like that..

Robyn - Don't F***ing Tell Me What To Do

My drinking is killing me
My smoking is killing me
My diet's killing me
My heels are killing me
My shopping's killing me

My ego is killing me
Can't sleep, it's killing me
My label's killing me
Kick drum...

My phone is killing me
My email is killing me
These hours are killing me
My tour is killing me

This flight is killing me
My manager's killing me
My mother's killing me
My landlord's killing me

My boss is killing me
The TV is killing me
Your nagging is killing me
My boyfriend is killing me

My talking's killing me
Killing me
K-k-killing me

Can't sleep, it's killing me
My dreams are killing me
The TV is killing me
My talking's killing me

Let go, you're killing me
Ease up, you're killing me
Calm down, you're killing me
My god, you're killing me

K-k-killing me

My drinking is killing me
My smoking is killing me
My head is killing me
My mind is killing me

My back is killing me
My neck is killing me
Your nagging is killing me
My gut is killing me

My PMS is killing me
My email is killing me
These hours are killing me
My tour is killing me

Don't f***ing tell me what to do, do!
Don't f***ing tell me what to do, do, do, do, do!
Don't f***ing tell me what to do!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Contentment...

How far and how long a person can go to suffice oneself?

At times you lose the track of time.. lose the direction you are heading.. lose the very intention of the journey.. lose all that you ever had.. passion, charm, inward happiness. You feel you are in depths of despair and there is no way out- all you see is darkness, darkness and more darkness.. or probable "light"- which you (mis)interpret as darkness!! You wake up, go thru your day's routine - as it has turned out to be a ritual, something which has to be followed 'coz it had been followed from long, you have no clue if there is any other choice in it- but what you are sure of is that you have completely lost your peace.. that little peace of mind which kept you sane!!

You get hungry, but the best food, your favourite cuisine wouldn't do, but you want to indulge in 'something' which will help you lose your conscious. You stare into him in the day again, as the night falls, you stare at yourself again and again ask a zillion questions in silence but get no answers and your questions, doubts just get more complex and complicated. You know, and very well realize that it isn't 'YOU' but some kinda creepy soul sitting in you making you go thru the situation. You wonder if this is gonna last forever if not how long? You have no energy left in you to wait more, it seems to you that everything is sucked off!!

It is all that you ever wanted, you have achieved it thru sheer guts and determination but all of a sudden now everything seems to be shattering, you hate to see those dreams getting drained for no particular reason, you try still cant figure out how this could happen, what made you deserve all this. You don't enjoy the weather though it is the best the region can give you in the whole year, you are so taken that you cant relish anything beautiful. You completely managed to forget how tiny small things brought so much joy and bliss. But somehow you haven't stopped crying when watching MOVIES.. just the reason isn't same as before. Now in a good passionate scene- you cry as you feel this wouldn't happen with you, and in a sad/emotional scene you cry 'coz this might very well happen to you just in a pathetic way not shown on the screen.

You seem to drive away the solitude to be left with nothing but utter depression of some kind so unique. world seems more prejudice than ever, you aren't sure if you are angry on yourself or else. You wonder if it took so many years to lose all the faith you have acquired in years or is this your 'KARMA', as some ppl call it - is this ever going to lead in some path you thought you would be led to some day.

One (not so) fine night you realize your thoughts have turned suicidal, and are desperately awaiting for deeds to follow the same, Not that you don't have a history on this.. still you hope some follow up happens..

How far can you go to suffice yourself now?

That was rough.... Thing to do now is try and forget it.... I guess I don't quite mean that. It's not a thing you can forget. Maybe not even a thing you want to forget.... Life's like that sometimes... Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just haul off and knock him flat, slam him agin' the ground so hard it seems like all his insides is busted. But it's not all like that. A lot of it's mighty fine, and you can't afford to waste the good part frettin' about the bad. That makes it all bad.... Sure, I know - sayin' it's one thing and feelin' it's another. But I'll tell you a trick that's sometimes a big help. When you start lookin' around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it.
~From the movie Old Yeller